【揭秘】原來(lái)招生官對(duì)這種essay“一見傾心”

在24最新的U.S.News全美院校排名中，加州大學(xué)無(wú)疑成為年度最大的贏家。其中，UCB、UCLA兩所知名UC校更是攜手走進(jìn)全美TOP 15。相信今年的申請(qǐng)季，UC的競(jìng)爭(zhēng)會(huì)更加白熱化！

不同于Common App申請(qǐng)系統(tǒng)，UC申請(qǐng)只有一個(gè)輪次，也沒(méi)有面試環(huán)節(jié)，于是，essay就成了申請(qǐng)者展示自己的唯一機(jī)會(huì)。如何妙用essay脫穎而出，本期我們將為大家解析，如何展現(xiàn)自己的亮點(diǎn)和優(yōu)勢(shì)，獲得UC頭部大學(xué)的青睞。

在由加州大學(xué)官方組織的UC顧問(wèn)大會(huì)上，招生官總結(jié)了近幾年申請(qǐng)人失敗essay的3大致命陷阱和成功essay的3大特征，還分別提供了失敗essay和成功essay的案例。在此之前，我們可以在UC申請(qǐng)倒計(jì)時(shí)之際，反問(wèn)自己以下四點(diǎn)：

· 選題是否匹配和展現(xiàn)自己的優(yōu)勢(shì)？

· essay的主角是不是自己？

· 是否展示了充分的細(xì)節(jié)？

· essay是否表達(dá)了個(gè)人的深刻洞見？

| UC失敗essay三大陷阱

1. essay內(nèi)容空洞，沒(méi)有提供足夠多的個(gè)人經(jīng)歷

2. 過(guò)于關(guān)注essay的結(jié)構(gòu)和形式，忽視了essay的內(nèi)容

3. 3、故事更多地聚焦在了他人身上而不是自己的經(jīng)歷

| UC成功essay三大核心要素

1. essay的重點(diǎn)在于展現(xiàn)事件對(duì)學(xué)生的影響或?qū)W生對(duì)他人的影響

2. 自己是essay的中心

3. 提供具體的例子

成功的例子和失敗的例子長(zhǎng)什么樣呢？我們來(lái)看看例子！

| 失敗essay案例

先來(lái)看UC官方提供的一個(gè)失敗的essay案例（UC第四題）：過(guò)分追求辭藻華麗，缺失具體細(xì)節(jié)。

【essay要求】

Describe how you have taken advantage of a significant educational opportunity or worked to overcome an educational barrier you have faced.

描述你如何利用重要的教育機(jī)會(huì)或努力克服你所面臨的教育障礙。

【essay內(nèi)容】

I've danced along the poverty line my whole life. The soothing melodies from a mother to her child as they drifted to sleep were mere dreams; realities you'd only see in the movies. Life was based on survival; sink or swim, one might say. Struggling to stay afloat in this ocean of a world, I quickly recognized that a comfortable life is a luxury that stands far out of my grasp.

Being forced out of touch with my infantile dreams and forced to come to grips with my reality brought along one of my greatest attributes: my fortitude. Living as the product of an immigrant mother and lower class father, my aspirations oftentimes felt out of my reach. My tolerance for the harsh world grew involuntarily; I was born into destitution, facing life's hardest battles was inevitable. The countless sleepless nights my parents spent in order to keep a roof over our head demonstrated their mettle to my younger self, a mettle I had to endow myself with too.

Just like the pale skin and singular dimple I inherited from my mother, I endeavored to grasp her strength. Both in and out of the classroom, I've possessed a deeper spirit than a great number of my peers due to the hardships I've faced. While it's difficult to stray away from the fixed mindset that tells me I cannot afford a better future, I pave the way for the life I've always dreamed of through my education. My exceptional tenacity encouraged me to take advanced placement courses that offer an advantage at a higher educational level. The extravagance of maintaining the successful life my parents could not afford excites me. Persevering through the austerity towards the sophisticated, serene lifestyle showcases my drive. Although I learned to survive off of the crumbs of society, the faith I hold for myself and my education push me closer to the elixir of the rapturous life I plan to lead.

我一生都在貧困線上跳舞。母親在孩子熟睡時(shí)為他們唱的舒緩的旋律只是夢(mèng)境，是電影里才會(huì)出現(xiàn)的現(xiàn)實(shí)。生活的基礎(chǔ)是生存；可以說(shuō)，要么沉淪，要么游泳。在這個(gè)汪洋大海中掙扎，我很快意識(shí)到，舒適的生活是一種奢侈，遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超出了我的掌握。

我被迫與稚嫩的夢(mèng)想脫節(jié)，被迫面對(duì)現(xiàn)實(shí)，這給我?guī)?lái)了一個(gè)最大的特質(zhì)：堅(jiān)韌。我的母親是移民，父親是下層社會(huì)的人，生活在這樣的環(huán)境中，我的理想常常變得遙不可及。我對(duì)殘酷世界的承受力不由自主地增強(qiáng)了；我出生貧寒，面對(duì)生活中最艱難的戰(zhàn)斗是不可避免的。為了維持生計(jì)，父母度過(guò)了無(wú)數(shù)個(gè)不眠之夜，這向年幼的我展示了他們的毅力，而我也必須具備這種毅力。

就像母親遺傳給我的蒼白皮膚和酒窩一樣，我也努力學(xué)習(xí)她的堅(jiān)強(qiáng)。無(wú)論是在課堂上還是在課外，我都比許多同齡人擁有更深沉的精神，因?yàn)槲以鎸?duì)過(guò)艱難困苦。雖然我很難擺脫固定思維模式的束縛，這種思維模式告訴我，我無(wú)法承擔(dān)更美好的未來(lái)，但我通過(guò)教育為我夢(mèng)寐以求的生活鋪平了道路。我非凡的韌性鼓勵(lì)我選修高級(jí)課程，這為我在更高的教育水平上提供了優(yōu)勢(shì)。維持父母無(wú)法負(fù)擔(dān)的成功生活的奢望讓我興奮不已。在拮據(jù)的生活中堅(jiān)持不懈地追求精致、寧?kù)o的生活方式，展現(xiàn)了我的魄力。雖然我學(xué)會(huì)了依靠社會(huì)的面包屑生存，但我對(duì)自己的信念和我所接受的教育促使我更接近我所計(jì)劃的美好生活。

【essay評(píng)價(jià)】

這篇essay像一首優(yōu)美的散文詩(shī)，描述他一直生活在貧困線上，不斷嘗試適應(yīng)這個(gè)世界，并為在這個(gè)世界中探尋自己位置和夢(mèng)想而奮斗。他努力克服困難，通過(guò)刻苦學(xué)習(xí)，提升自己，最終學(xué)會(huì)了在這個(gè)世界上生存。

為什么這樣一篇辭藻華麗、句式優(yōu)美的essay，成了UC招生官眼里的失敗案例？因?yàn)閷W(xué)生只是泛泛地表白了自己的困境和克服了困難，卻沒(méi)有說(shuō)明采取的具體行動(dòng)和過(guò)程；提到了參與大學(xué)先修課，但沒(méi)有展開回答如何利用這些資源來(lái)提升自己。整篇文章的寫作更注重風(fēng)格和結(jié)構(gòu)，缺乏細(xì)節(jié)和畫面感，自然沒(méi)有代入感和說(shuō)服力。

UC4是一篇很具挑戰(zhàn)性的essay。如果想寫曾經(jīng)遇到的教育障礙，必須描寫障礙是什么，而且需要細(xì)節(jié)來(lái)呈現(xiàn)克服困難和障礙的過(guò)程，其中用到了哪些個(gè)人特質(zhì)或技能？克服障礙的這一經(jīng)歷怎樣塑造了現(xiàn)在的你（洞見）？希望這篇失敗essay案例能幫助同學(xué)們認(rèn)真反省，引以為戒。

| 成功essay案例

再來(lái)看UC官方提供的一個(gè)成功的essay案例（UC第一題）：語(yǔ)言樸實(shí)，但是細(xì)節(jié)豐富，邏輯嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)。

【essay要求】

Describe an example of a leadership experience in which you’ve positively influenced others, helped resolve disputes, or contributed to group efforts over time.

描述一個(gè)領(lǐng)導(dǎo)經(jīng)歷的例子，在這段經(jīng)歷中，你積極影響了他人，幫助解決了爭(zhēng)端，或者隨著時(shí)間的推移為團(tuán)隊(duì)努力做出了貢獻(xiàn)。

【essay內(nèi)容】

In 2020, I founded an underwater robotics team in my garage. We invited friends from school and the math circle we ran. Some members had no experience with robotics and others had lots of experience, so I taught them by helping everyone build a land robot. In our second year, I reached out to more people in the community and grew our team from 10 to 22 members across 10 schools. We had seniors to middle schoolers on the team. I promoted returning members to lead the hardware, testing, and documentation teams. I led the software team where I taught Python, setting up Raspberry Pi computers, and streaming cameras. My mom knew someone whose nephew recently immigrated from Mexico and wanted to learn about robotics. I invited him to join the team and I walked him through setting up the robot. Now he teaches others how to set it up. When I give individual attention, people develop useful skills and pass those skills onto others.

On the competition day, we didn't tighten our electronics chamber and water shorted our entire electronics system! But we didn't mourn, we got straight to problem solving. The hardware leader unplugged and unscrewed the parts. I tested the computers and told members to grab working parts from last year's robot. My CoCEO calmed the team. In the middle of the repairs, we gave an award winning 15-minute engineering presentation to judges. We miraculously got the robot working in time for our second pool run and we placed third! I learned that to be an effective leader, I need to understand every team member's strengths and weaknesses. The hardware leader annoyed me because he started building without planning and made avoidable mistakes. But I appreciated his instant problem solving when we needed to rapidly rebuild our robot. Now that I know what he is good at, I can give him appropriate roles for his talents. I am using what I've learned to lead our team effectively by giving everyone the chance to use their best skills.

2020 年，我在自家車庫(kù)里成立了水下機(jī)器人團(tuán)隊(duì)。我們邀請(qǐng)了學(xué)校和數(shù)學(xué)圈的朋友。有些成員沒(méi)有機(jī)器人方面的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，有些則有很多經(jīng)驗(yàn)，所以我通過(guò)幫助每個(gè)人制作陸地機(jī)器人來(lái)教他們。第二年，我接觸了社區(qū)里更多的人，團(tuán)隊(duì)成員從10人增加到22人，遍布10所學(xué)校。團(tuán)隊(duì)中既有高年級(jí)學(xué)生，也有初中生。我提拔回歸的成員領(lǐng)導(dǎo)硬件、測(cè)試和文檔團(tuán)隊(duì)。我領(lǐng)導(dǎo)軟件團(tuán)隊(duì)，教授 Python、設(shè)置樹莓派計(jì)算機(jī)和流媒體攝像頭。我媽媽認(rèn)識(shí)一個(gè)人，他的侄子最近從墨西哥移民過(guò)來(lái)，想學(xué)習(xí)機(jī)器人技術(shù)。我邀請(qǐng)他加入團(tuán)隊(duì)，并指導(dǎo)他安裝機(jī)器人?，F(xiàn)在，他還教別人如何設(shè)置機(jī)器人。當(dāng)我給予個(gè)別關(guān)注時(shí)，人們就會(huì)發(fā)展出有用的技能，并將這些技能傳授給其他人。

比賽當(dāng)天，我們沒(méi)有擰緊電子艙，導(dǎo)致整個(gè)電子系統(tǒng)進(jìn)水短路！但我們沒(méi)有悲傷，而是直接開始解決問(wèn)題。硬件負(fù)責(zé)人拔掉了插頭，擰下了零件。我對(duì)電腦進(jìn)行了測(cè)試，并告訴隊(duì)員們從去年的機(jī)器人上拿可用的部件。我的聯(lián)席CEO安撫了團(tuán)隊(duì)。在修理過(guò)程中，我們向評(píng)委做了 15 分鐘的獲獎(jiǎng)工程演示。我們奇跡般地及時(shí)修好了機(jī)器人，并獲得了第三名！我認(rèn)識(shí)到，要成為一名有效的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)，我需要了解每個(gè)團(tuán)隊(duì)成員的長(zhǎng)處和短處。硬件組組長(zhǎng)讓我很惱火，因?yàn)樗跊](méi)有計(jì)劃的情況下就開始制作，犯了一些本可以避免的錯(cuò)誤。但我很欣賞他在我們需要快速重建機(jī)器人時(shí)立即解決問(wèn)題的能力?，F(xiàn)在，我知道了他的長(zhǎng)處，就可以根據(jù)他的才能讓他擔(dān)任適當(dāng)?shù)慕巧?。我正在利用我所學(xué)到的知識(shí)，讓每個(gè)人都有機(jī)會(huì)發(fā)揮自己的特長(zhǎng)，從而有效地領(lǐng)導(dǎo)我們的團(tuán)隊(duì)。

【essay評(píng)價(jià)】

這篇essay的語(yǔ)言樸實(shí)得近乎平淡，為什么成了UC招生官眼里的成功essay，獲得了UCB（加州伯克利）的Offer？

因?yàn)閁C招生官認(rèn)為：所有UCessay的本質(zhì)都是講以自己為主角的故事（storytelling）。在這篇領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力essay中，學(xué)生講述了自己創(chuàng)建機(jī)器人團(tuán)隊(duì)的經(jīng)歷。由最初的10人發(fā)展到了22人，教成員Python、設(shè)置Raspberry Pi等技能，并分享了如何克服團(tuán)隊(duì)在比賽中遇到的困難。這篇essay雖然樸實(shí)無(wú)華，但呈現(xiàn)了非常多的細(xì)節(jié)來(lái)展現(xiàn)學(xué)生具有的知識(shí)/技能，領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力，問(wèn)題解決能力，以及對(duì)于不同群體的關(guān)懷。

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